Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
