note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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