Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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