yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
