We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
