explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
