the day after is always just damage control
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
