ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
