If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
