Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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