It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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