I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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