and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
