I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
