he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
