you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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