My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Fuck me I smell like cheese
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
