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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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