I faked an abortion last night.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
