I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
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I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
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Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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