Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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