Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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