guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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