I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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