I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
