It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
