just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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