She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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