Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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