I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
