I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
