you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
