what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
