I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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