I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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