you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
