You work out of a Hotel?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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