Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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