Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
