I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
