Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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