She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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