The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
