how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
