it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
