My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
