so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
