She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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