Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We had sex on a dog bed..
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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