why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
