dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...