Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
