Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
