i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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