Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
