Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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