Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
